Fun with mottos

Time for a little fun.

I came across a trending item on Twitter this weekend. I believe it was the product of a radio station promotion, but it’s moved beyond that now.

They called it “more realistic state mottos,” used the hashtag #MoreRealisticStateMottos and asked for input.

I read through all I could find and came up with one for each state … plus a couple of bonuses. Without further ado:

Alabama: Home of Jeff Sessions. You’re welcome.

Alaska: We’re Russia when ya not looking!

Arizona: No black people holidays to worry about here, buddy.

Arkansas: Our citizens like to be referred to as People of Walmart.

California: Did you feel that?

Colorado: Come for the pot, stay for the … well … I can’t remember for what, but stay.

Connecticut: Like NYC but without the buildings, opportunities, or things to do.

Delaware: So close to where you’d rather be.

Florida: Where people go to die.

Georgia: We have more Waffle Houses than high school graduates.

Hawaii: You couldn’t afford us.

Idaho: No, really, I am the ho.

Illinois: Our governors will make your license plates.

Indiana: We’d flood more often if it weren’t for all the damn potholes.

Iowa: Smarter than we vote.

Kansas: Dorothy dreamed about leaving for a reason.

Kentucky: Well, at least our basketball team isn’t in the bottom 5%!

Louisiana: We still have a Jim Crow law on the books we use to keep our prisons full.

Maine: We can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Maryland: Hiding our racist southern roots since 1900.

Massachusetts: Counting the days to leaving.

Michigan: Sorry about Betsy DeVos, Ted Nugent & Kid Rock.

Minnesota: To protect and serve the police departments.

Mississippi: Because Alabama is too bougie.

Missouri: Live in a state with the worst stereotypes of southern history and culture with a Midwestern feel.

Montana: We leave our guns at the bar door.

Nebraska: Of course you haven’t been here.

Nevada: OK, just call us Las Vegas.

New Hampshire: We’re going to build the wall and make Massachusetts pay for it.

New Jersey: Final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa … somewhere …

New Mexico: Arizona with an art degree.

New York: Yes, it’s also a state.

North Carolina: Racism, transphobia, death by cop. Who could ask for anything more?

North Dakota: You got lost looking for Canada, right?

Ohio: Call us if you need a sports team to choke at the worst possible time.

Oklahoma: This state got a whole entire musical?

Oregon: Can someone please tell 45 we are more reachable from North Korea than he is?

Pennsylvania: Mississippi with Pittsburgh and Philadelphia on the ends.

Rhode Island: Don’t forget that we are a state.

South Carolina: Among the top two Carolinas in the country.

South Dakota: Please don’t feed the natives.

Tennessee: We’re always volunteering to move to a different state.

Texas: Way too concerned about Cali.

Utah: We caught Bundy and Gary Gilmore.

Vermont: Where people move based on unrealistic expectations of serenity, spend the first winter, then leave.

Virginia: There is no Santa Claus.

Washington: Just left of Idaho (but who isn’t?).

West Virginia: We won’t actually rape you for whitewater rafting.

Wisconsin: Just keeping Canada out of Chicago.

Wyoming: As cold as Canada but without all the healthcare.

And the bonuses? Two would-be states.

Washington, D.C: You know we’re just a neighborhood in Maryland, right?

Puerto Rico: “Hey, mang, we tried!”