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Author of the JP Weiscarver Mystery Series
Time for a little fun.
I came across a trending item on Twitter this weekend. I believe it was the product of a radio station promotion, but it’s moved beyond that now.
They called it “more realistic state mottos,” used the hashtag #MoreRealisticStateMottos and asked for input.
I read through all I could find and came up with one for each state … plus a couple of bonuses. Without further ado:
Alabama: Home of Jeff Sessions. You’re welcome.
Alaska: We’re Russia when ya not looking!
Arizona: No black people holidays to worry about here, buddy.
Arkansas: Our citizens like to be referred to as People of Walmart.
California: Did you feel that?
Colorado: Come for the pot, stay for the … well … I can’t remember for what, but stay.
Connecticut: Like NYC but without the buildings, opportunities, or things to do.
Delaware: So close to where you’d rather be.
Florida: Where people go to die.
Georgia: We have more Waffle Houses than high school graduates.
Hawaii: You couldn’t afford us.
Idaho: No, really, I am the ho.
Illinois: Our governors will make your license plates.
Indiana: We’d flood more often if it weren’t for all the damn potholes.
Iowa: Smarter than we vote.
Kansas: Dorothy dreamed about leaving for a reason.
Kentucky: Well, at least our basketball team isn’t in the bottom 5%!
Louisiana: We still have a Jim Crow law on the books we use to keep our prisons full.
Maine: We can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Maryland: Hiding our racist southern roots since 1900.
Massachusetts: Counting the days to leaving.
Michigan: Sorry about Betsy DeVos, Ted Nugent & Kid Rock.
Minnesota: To protect and serve the police departments.
Mississippi: Because Alabama is too bougie.
Missouri: Live in a state with the worst stereotypes of southern history and culture with a Midwestern feel.
Montana: We leave our guns at the bar door.
Nebraska: Of course you haven’t been here.
Nevada: OK, just call us Las Vegas.
New Hampshire: We’re going to build the wall and make Massachusetts pay for it.
New Jersey: Final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa … somewhere …
New Mexico: Arizona with an art degree.
New York: Yes, it’s also a state.
North Carolina: Racism, transphobia, death by cop. Who could ask for anything more?
North Dakota: You got lost looking for Canada, right?
Ohio: Call us if you need a sports team to choke at the worst possible time.
Oklahoma: This state got a whole entire musical?
Oregon: Can someone please tell 45 we are more reachable from North Korea than he is?
Pennsylvania: Mississippi with Pittsburgh and Philadelphia on the ends.
Rhode Island: Don’t forget that we are a state.
South Carolina: Among the top two Carolinas in the country.
South Dakota: Please don’t feed the natives.
Tennessee: We’re always volunteering to move to a different state.
Texas: Way too concerned about Cali.
Utah: We caught Bundy and Gary Gilmore.
Vermont: Where people move based on unrealistic expectations of serenity, spend the first winter, then leave.
Virginia: There is no Santa Claus.
Washington: Just left of Idaho (but who isn’t?).
West Virginia: We won’t actually rape you for whitewater rafting.
Wisconsin: Just keeping Canada out of Chicago.
Wyoming: As cold as Canada but without all the healthcare.
And the bonuses? Two would-be states.
Washington, D.C: You know we’re just a neighborhood in Maryland, right?
Puerto Rico: “Hey, mang, we tried!”