Steve Martaindale

Author of the JP Weiscarver Mystery Series

Fun with mottos

Welcome to North Dakota

Time for a little fun.

I came across a trending item on Twitter this weekend. I believe it was the product of a radio station promotion, but it’s moved beyond that now.

They called it “more realistic state mottos,” used the hashtag #MoreRealisticStateMottos and asked for input.

I read through all I could find and came up with one for each state … plus a couple of bonuses. Without further ado:

Alabama: Home of Jeff Sessions. You’re welcome.

Alaska: We’re Russia when ya not looking!

Arizona: No black people holidays to worry about here, buddy.

Arkansas: Our citizens like to be referred to as People of Walmart.

California: Did you feel that?

Colorado: Come for the pot, stay for the … well … I can’t remember for what, but stay.

Connecticut: Like NYC but without the buildings, opportunities, or things to do.

Delaware: So close to where you’d rather be.

Florida: Where people go to die.

Georgia: We have more Waffle Houses than high school graduates.

Hawaii: You couldn’t afford us.

Idaho: No, really, I am the ho.

Illinois: Our governors will make your license plates.

Indiana: We’d flood more often if it weren’t for all the damn potholes.

Iowa: Smarter than we vote.

Kansas: Dorothy dreamed about leaving for a reason.

Kentucky: Well, at least our basketball team isn’t in the bottom 5%!

Louisiana: We still have a Jim Crow law on the books we use to keep our prisons full.

Maine: We can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Maryland: Hiding our racist southern roots since 1900.

Massachusetts: Counting the days to leaving.

Michigan: Sorry about Betsy DeVos, Ted Nugent & Kid Rock.

Minnesota: To protect and serve the police departments.

Mississippi: Because Alabama is too bougie.

Missouri: Live in a state with the worst stereotypes of southern history and culture with a Midwestern feel.

Montana: We leave our guns at the bar door.

Nebraska: Of course you haven’t been here.

Nevada: OK, just call us Las Vegas.

New Hampshire: We’re going to build the wall and make Massachusetts pay for it.

New Jersey: Final resting place of Jimmy Hoffa … somewhere …

New Mexico: Arizona with an art degree.

New York: Yes, it’s also a state.

North Carolina: Racism, transphobia, death by cop. Who could ask for anything more?

North Dakota: You got lost looking for Canada, right?

Ohio: Call us if you need a sports team to choke at the worst possible time.

Oklahoma: This state got a whole entire musical?

Oregon: Can someone please tell 45 we are more reachable from North Korea than he is?

Pennsylvania: Mississippi with Pittsburgh and Philadelphia on the ends.

Rhode Island: Don’t forget that we are a state.

South Carolina: Among the top two Carolinas in the country.

South Dakota: Please don’t feed the natives.

Tennessee: We’re always volunteering to move to a different state.

Texas: Way too concerned about Cali.

Utah: We caught Bundy and Gary Gilmore.

Vermont: Where people move based on unrealistic expectations of serenity, spend the first winter, then leave.

Virginia: There is no Santa Claus.

Washington: Just left of Idaho (but who isn’t?).

West Virginia: We won’t actually rape you for whitewater rafting.

Wisconsin: Just keeping Canada out of Chicago.

Wyoming: As cold as Canada but without all the healthcare.

And the bonuses? Two would-be states.

Washington, D.C: You know we’re just a neighborhood in Maryland, right?

Puerto Rico: “Hey, mang, we tried!”

I promise … again

Food chain

Sometimes you’re the predator, sometimes the prey. (photo by Steve Martaindale)

We’ve talked previously about how everything since last November has been an emotional abyss for me, as it has many of you.

I’ve had as little success maintaining a writing schedule as Donald Trump has had finding people to fill the hundreds of vacancies he’s yet to address.

Here I am, yet again, promising to get a better focus on making my fingers dance, both on this blog and on my next book.

But first …

While checking out a tweak on my web page, I stumbled across a post that so wonderfully addresses how I’ve felt the past few months. In a funny way. Kind of.

Dina Honour made her point in the form of a multiple-choice form letter to share with friends to explain why she’s not been keeping in touch. Check it out.

Tune in tomorrow and make sure I’m still at it.

In memory

Alter do Chao smoky sunrise

As I aged, the glory of war that is impressed on the young gave way to the awareness that most war is fought for ugly reasons and that millions die directly from warfare and indirectly from the wasteful use of resources.

However, such evil does not detract by one iota from the honor due men and women who have fought – willingly or not – and died in service to their countries.

Even when some leader blundered, they rode still “Into the jaws of Death, Into the mouth of hell,” as Alfred, Lord Tennyson wrote in “The Charge of the Light Brigade.”

Today, I honor those heroes while also beseeching current and future politicians to pause more deliberately before they, “Cry ‘Havoc,’ and let slip the dogs of war.” Because there are grave consequences.

In Flanders Fields

by Lt. Col. John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.”

Best plan ever

105

Options are narrowing for Donald Trump. How might he like to see his presidency end?

For the first time since Donald Trump’s plan fell apart Nov. 8, things are beginning to look up for the man shocked to find being president more difficult than being a billionaire.

When, somehow, he managed to win the presidency despite being outvoted by almost 3 million, he was forced to abandon his strategy to ride his defeat to a fun-filled pastime of addressing raucous and adoring fans, writing outrageous books (or, rather, paying others to write them) and maybe starting his own fake news television network.

If that sounds familiar, I wrote about it a month prior to the election. Like most people – including Trump – I didn’t think there were enough suckers to put him into office. (Of course, I more than once prior to the election expressed my confidence in American voters. I was wrong then, too.)

Warning: Just to be clear, this is all my theory. Unlike those sites where Trump gets his “news,” I do not present this as established fact.

So, Trump stumbled into the Oval Office and immediately found it not to his liking … not the office, the White House or the job. Almost instantly, he began putting into effect his next plan.

And it’s a great plan, many people say the best plan ever.

Trump likes to be first, grandest, biggest. Being president puts one in an exclusive club, but there are 43 others there … kind of crowded.

What if he were impeached while president? Two already sit in that category.

But what if he were impeached and subsequently forced from office? That’s perfect. Not only has it never happened (thanks to Richard Nixon’s resignation), but there’s a decent chance it will never happen again.

Think of it: During the nation’s quincentenary in 2276, school children will be reminded that among the 103 presidents to date, only one has been forcibly removed from office, Donald J. Drumpf. (I have no idea how or when that name change comes about.)

On what do I base this supposition? Look around you. What better explains the things he has done.

A few examples might begin with the outrageous claims about crowd size at his inauguration. Seriously, what responsible person does that?

Then there are holding his businesses much too close, placing his family in high positions, pissing off most of our allies, appointing ridiculously unqualified people to top spots, profiting from foreign states, making every public speech about him, making baseless charges of Obama spying on him, playing golf every weekend after ridiculing Obama for playing occasionally, tossing missiles around while threatening war, calling for unconstitutional restraints on the media, firing the top cop who was investigating the White House … and so on. You could even add that it’s upsetting anytime he tells the truth because it throws us all off-stride.

Finally, however, there seems to be promising movement. Things are happening quickly and I believe Trump is pleased with what he sees, though he certainly cannot let that show.

When he’s kicked out of the White House, if he’s not immediately relocated to prison (or maybe even if he is), he can return to his original plan of making a career out of being the abused, rabble-rousing outsider.

Then he will be happy again.

But he won’t act like it.

Of course, maybe he’ll lose interest before then.

Tony Schwartz, co-author of “Trump: The Art of the Deal,” told CNN the president cannot stand the idea of losing and will find a way to resign and proclaim it a victory.

The winner by a name

Thunder Snow . Kentucky Derby . 5-5-17

Thunder Snow, my pick to win the 2017 Kentucky Derby based on the horses’ names. Photo by Andrew Watkins / Dubai Racing Club via kentuckyderby.com

Don’t you love names of racehorses? It’s an art.

I’ll be honest with you, I’m not above placing an occasional wager simply because of the horse’s name.

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Rushmore Highway?

The Boys in snow 4-28-17

I have a little secret to tell you about Mount Rushmore and it has nothing to do with Nick Cage.

Remember “Ventura Highway,” the song by America? It begins:

Chewing on a piece of grass

Walking down the road

Tell me, how long you gonna stay here Joe?

Some people say this town don’t look

Good in snow

You don’t care, I know.

I thought of that song when I snapped the above photo of the memorial this morning following an overnight snow.

Nope, the boys don’t look good in snow. Or rain, for that matter. (PS, “the boys” is an affectionate term used by some here to refer to the four presidents carved from the mountain beginning 90 years ago.)

When you see them after snow or rain forms dark streaks down the carving, it makes sense. But one doesn’t think of that when making a long-planned, perhaps once-in-a-lifetime visit to the memorial.

But then …

It could be worse, however.

While the elevation isn’t particularly high – 6,025 feet at the top of the faces – the Black Hills can influence the weather and one way is covering the hilltops in low-lying clouds.

Yep, you got it.

It’s not at all uncommon for clouds to cover the faces for hours and hours. Sometimes, one can see through the vapor and make out the images. Other times, it’s just a cloud.

Exciting, huh?

Here are a couple of other photos I grabbed with my phone today.

Goats in snow 4-28-17Note about the Rocky Mountain goats. I was sitting in a vehicle in a parking spot. I say this because it seems most people get their Rushmore wildlife photos by stopping their vehicles in the middle of the road.

Cliff in snow 4-28-17The photo of the cliff doesn’t do it justice. Trust me, it’s more awesome than it looks here.

Thai trip roundup

boat-huddle

I have finally posted the articles and photos from our trip to Thailand. Yes, I intended to have it finished six weeks ago, but …

In my defense, it was much more time-consuming than I anticipated. With a little luck, you’ll find it worth the wait.

I learned from our Erie Canal walk that it’s not good to post everything on one page, so here is what you will find. Clicking this link will take you to the index page. It has a brief tease and a link to each of the 18 topical pages or sections. At the end of each section is a link to the next. Simple enough?

A couple of the sections are kind of long, a couple are mostly photos and most of them fall in the middle. In all, there are 116 unique photos and a whole bunch of words.

We’ve always enjoyed sharing our travels with our friends and put extra effort into this special trip. We hope you’ll enjoy it.

The payoff

NPS Senior Pass

This is a public service message for anyone age 62 or older … or such a person’s friend or loved one.

Get your National Parks and Federal Recreational Lands Senior Pass!

This may not be news to anyone else, but I was surprised to learn what a great deal it is. Maybe I was also shocked because I didn’t think of myself as being old enough.

Here’s the deal.

If you are 62 years old and a U.S. citizen or permanent resident, you can get a lifetime pass to more than 2,000 federal recreation sites for a cost of $10.

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Going big

Big Bend ... finally

Leah and I finally made our “honeymoon” trip to Big Bend. (Photo by Charles)

“Welcome to Big Bend National Park,” said the ranger at the north gate.

“Thanks. We’ve been 40 years getting here,” I replied, not having had any intention of going there.

“You sure do drive slow,” he said.

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Those Hollywood speeches

We’re mere hours away from the 2017 Oscars and you know what that means.

Yep, prepare to listen to a bunch of overpaid court jesters take turns telling a global audience what’s wrong with the entertainment industry, society, politics and the world in general.

Does that concern you? Are you among the crowd wishing entertainers would leave their politics at home?

Here’s a suggestion. You might want to steer clear of the 89th Academy Awards Sunday night.

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Play me

Gulf sunrise

(c) 2015 by Steve Martaindale

“When the album that is life finally reaches the end, wouldn’t it be nice to keep that record spinning for eternity?”

No, that’s not my question. It’s the lead sentence on the Website of the UK-based company And Vinyly. And, once you get past the heavy imagery, you find it means exactly what it says.

Succinctly, have your ashes shipped to these folks and they will press them into a vinyl record.

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‘You lost’

“You lost. Time to move on with your life.”

This advice was left by a person who follows my Facebook account. (You can, too, and I bet you can leave much more perceptive views.) His deeply insightful comment was to a link I shared to a New York Times article headlined “Our Articles on the Attacks Trump Says the Media Didn’t Cover.”

Perhaps the “you lost” part of his comment was because the usual set of trolls had already lined up. You know, those who bring up arguments as germane as, “This is crazy liberal dreaming because today is a day that ends in the letter Y.”

In his world, the fact that more people attacked it than supported it meant they won. Ah, if only right and wrong could be determined by a show of hands.

Then again, maybe he was saying I lost the election and should move on, as if that’s an original thought. We’ve already had that discussion.

But it’s the “time to move on with your life” portion of his input that really caught my eye.

He just doesn’t get it.

This is me moving on with my life.

Moving on

It’s not something that has come easily. I have sweated it out – with no small amount of prayer and counseling – and wavered between whether I should resist what appears to be a forthcoming assault on all that is dear to me or withdraw into a dark space and spin my own stories of fiction.

It’s tempting to choose the latter. It would be easy to ignore the news online and on TV, to delete my news apps, to quit following the AP, CNN, Al Jazeera and others, and just let the country take care of itself. I could get up in the morning, re-enter the make-believe world of my books and write away.

But my heart and soul will not allow that.

Not while I see our nation taking the textbook steps into fascism.

fascism_infographic

I have resisted until this very moment making a public comparison of our situation to the early days of Adolph Hitler’s ascent to power and all the ravages related to it.

Why? Because I kept wanting to believe such was an overreach. Surely, I thought, we will not allow such things to happen in this country. Hitler’s rise was documented well enough that we should recognize it if something similar begins occurring, right?

We can trust that someone will speak up and alert us … right?

quote-first-they-came-for-the-jews-but-i-did-nothing-because-i-m-not-a-jew

But you know what convinced me that I must speak up?

My Facebook friends.

Not those who believe like me, not those who “like” and support my comments, not those who themselves post in support of human rights and equality and protecting the environment.

No, it’s those who are dear to me who have called me names, who have blindly (I believe) fallen in line behind the march to an oppressive government, and who triumphantly trumpet their support for the current administration by repeating its lies and underscoring hatred.

Those saying things such as, “You lost. Time to move on with your life.”

bertrand-russell-quote

I must soften Bertrand Russell’s assertion here just a bit. I do not believe only fools fall for a false, “energetic leader.”

Many have simply been fooled, deceived. They have locked onto an image of a country that they feel he has promised to deliver. With that image clouding their perception, they tend to overlook things, to forgive some of the things they do see. They fall victim to lies.

I do not believe my friends who disagree with me are fools. We just disagree.

However, if my fears of a rising despot prove to have any validity at all, I am honor bound to voice my concerns.

What to do

Since the election, I have visited a few times with a minister friend who, like me, is deeply troubled with the direction we’re headed. (By the way, at least three minister friends fit this description. They are also anxious to show that the Christian church is not entirely made up of what is being portrayed by the radical right.)

This minister is obviously better informed than I and considers events and implications at a deeper level, quoting the likes of theologians Karl Barth and Dietrich Bonhoeffer, the latter of whom was executed by the Nazis for his resistance to Hitler.

Even so, my friend is also struggling with what we can do besides contact representatives who have shown a deaf ear and the growing option of peaceful protest.

“And protest is OK,” I was told. “Our church was born out of protest. That’s why we’re called Protestants.”

I have another choice.

I write. It’s what I do. If indeed I have been called by God to speak my heart (Wouldn’t it be nice if He just sent an e-mail notification instead of us working to discern His wishes?), then I must write about it.

There you have it. I’m “moving on” with my life.

But what if …

Finally, humility and common sense dictate I must consider the possibility I’ll be proven wrong. Of course, that’s probably part of what causes my hesitation, though certainly not as much as the unpleasant treatment I get from friends.

But should I be wrong, then hallelujah. I will gladly admit it and the lessons learned will better inform my future decisions and analyses. Possibly, other resisters and I might feel our campaigns helped steer the course of the current administration, but we’ll all be happy if everything is right in the world.

Along those lines, allow me to recommend an article I came across this morning by Nate Silver. Employing what he called “scenario planning,” he laid out 14 potential versions of how the Trump administration will play out. Certainly, there are more options, but anything else will likely resemble one or two of these, which range from plunging America into outright authoritarianism to making the nation great again.

Reading through them, I find a role in each for some type of resistance, such as my small contributions, whether it be to sound a warning or to influence a new direction.

So, don’t hate me for my part. I would also appreciate it if you don’t call me names, but that might be too difficult for some. Feel free to ignore me, but do hesitate to unfriend me if we’re really friends because I still have a life outside politics and enjoy sharing clever photos and stories.

And if you’re wishing I was doing more, then you need to follow me on Twitter. I share a lot of information there.

Any requests?

loading-the-boat

Loading up alongside the river flowing through Ao Nang.

After a week of settling back into home, battling jet lag like I’ve never seen before and “organizing,” I am getting started on putting together an Expedition page for our visit in Thailand.

I will arrange this by sections, each looking at one aspect of our experience. With that in mind, I have a question for you.

What would you like to know about our trip?

Either comment here or send me a message by some other means.

Now, back to work.

In the drink

the-big-step

I may have mentioned the fact our friends and hosts in Thailand are dive instructors. Well, you know what that means.

In the photo above, Leah is making the big step to enter the water.

fishes

This is a photo she took while diving.

What? You want more? The full story and more photos are promised when the Expedition posts goes up next month.

This may be my last posting from here. We’re less than 48 hours from starting the long trip home, where I will get to work on the full story.

traffic-tease

Here’s one more parting shot. One of several topics I’ll cover is transportation and traffic.

Catching up

starfish-haven

Time – or past time – to catch you folks up with a few more photos.

As you can tell, I’m not writing much about our stay in Thailand. Rest assured, I will put together a full report with more photos and post it in the Expedition section after we get home. Follow this page and you will know when it happens.

Our big outing the past few days was a kayak tour of Ao Thalane Bay on Monday. After paddling for a while, we stopped on a sandbar exposed by the low tide. Around the edges of the bar were hundreds of starfish, as seen in the top photo.

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Street views

side-street

We took a city hike Thursday.

After riding into the central touristy area of Ao Nang with Catherine, Leah and I had breakfast and then slowly walked back to the house, taking many detours and making numerous stops.

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To the island

good-morning

Our friends who are hosting us during our visit to Thailand both work at a scuba shop in Ao Nang. This being high season for them, we’ve squeezed in visits between the end their work day and bedtime.

Tuesday, however, brought a bit of a treat.

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Top of the temple

tiger-cave

It’s late Monday afternoon and clouds have rolled in to block out the sun and cool things a bit here on the Krabi coast of Thailand. Temperatures have been around 90 with “feels like” temps reaching even over 100.

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Welcome to Thailand

harborWe’ve been in Thailand some 40 hours and I’m already behind on posting about our trip, so I’ve decided to try a rapid-fire effort and post short, quick items. It will all come together later on an Expedition page.

The lead photo is a view of the harbor that is less than a mile walk from our friends’ house and it was our first objective on Day 1, Saturday. (Reminder to those in the States, we’re some 12 hours ahead of you. To avoid my confusion, I’ll write from our perspective.)

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Dear Deplorables

open-road

The morning after the election, I had to get out on the open road to gather my thoughts.

It’s all been said about the election … right?

No way.

I’ve been stewing for two months, depressed to see what our country looks like right now, fearful for friends and strangers who are likely to face challenging times, dreading a clear and present threat to progresses made for people living on the edge.

After hearing so many Trump supporters telling people like me to deal with it, I finally have, as I best know how.

Let me warn you, it’s not my typical, easy-going style. One might call it raw. The situation, I believe, calls for complete honesty, so I’m saying what I think.

It is too long to place here amongst others, so it’s on a dedicated page in the Special Topics section. Click here to read it.

First steps

casablanca-picOvernight successes are an anomaly; they hardly ever happen. We know that, but it’s still surprising – and a fun bonus – when you catch a big-name actor in a minor role in an old movie.

With that in mind, I roamed around one of my favorite Websites, Internet Movie Database (imdb.com, and yes, I realize this is two movie articles in a row) digging up some early roles.

I started with one of America’s most iconic actors, John Wayne, who is said to have played leading roles in 142 films, but he had to start somewhere.

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Lights. Action. Christmas!

its-a-wonderful-life-still


James Stewart and Henry Travers as George Bailey and Clarence in “It’s a Wonderful Life.”

Had it not felt like Christmas already, the 20- to 30-mph north winds and temperatures dropping steadily all day Thursday and hovering this morning certainly bring awareness of the Yuletide season.

One thing that dependably underscores the season – regardless whether the weather outside is frightful – is the television lineup of Christmas movies.

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Christmas movies, anyone?

skuaed_tree

Christmas season is in full swing now and that means … Christmas movies!

Tell me what movies make the season for you. Be they religious, funny, heart-warming – or “Die Hard” – please share your list with me. And I would appreciate a quick comment about why you like it.

Warning: What you say just might end up in a blog post very soon. And might I encourage you to think of something that might not be on everyone else’s list?

Either leave a comment to this post or message me through social media.

Thanks and Merry Christmas.

Black, Small, Cyber Sale

 

 

Still thankful this morning following a great couple of days with the family at Disney World and with two more days remaining.

I’m also thankful I’m not caught up in Black Friday traffic (which sounds strange considering the crowds we’re dealing with) and made a spur-of-the-moment decision to join in.

So, from now until the time I crawl out of bed next Thursday, Dec. 1, I’m offering all five of my books on sale. These are paperbacks and each will be inscribed (To So-and-So) and signed by the author, me.

I’m pricing them at $6 each with a shipping charge of $4, regardless how many books you order (to be shipped to the same address, of course).

To simplify: 1 book for $10, 2 books for $16, 3 books for $22, etc.

To order, email me at steve@stevemartaindale.com or private message me through social media. We’ll then work out which books made out to whom and how to handle the money.

Like I said, this was spur-of-the-moment.

Oh, and you can review all of the books on this page.

That’s my dad

alva-martaindale

Alva Martaindale

My earliest memories of my father are of a firefighter.

Any lucky young boy can take a lot of pride in his dad, but exceedingly fortunate is the lad whose father is a hero not only to him but to the community as well.

I’m not speaking of any particular act of heroism but the status we assign those who make it their job to protect others. I loved it when he came to my elementary school during Fire Prevention Week.

My dad, Alva Martaindale, had a special role when he first became a firefighter. He was one of only two paid members of the otherwise volunteer department. Except for one day off every other week, he literally spent half of his time at the station, eating half of his meals there and sleeping there half of the nights.

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Go the extra mile

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Happy Go the Extra Mile Day!

Yes, yet another “Special Day” designed by some organization to promote some product or idea. However, this is neater than, say, National Sandwich Day, which comes up Thursday.

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Instagram? Why not?

Dockside artwork in Horta

One of my debut photos on Instagram. This is from Horta, Portugal.

I’ve been told I should be on Instagram and, finally, I looked into it a few days ago.

I looked deeply into it because I just couldn’t believe you cannot run an Instagram account from a computer. Well, actually, you can do most things … except post photos!

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Sand and surf in Asia

port-aransas-oct-2015-img_0308

People have been asking what Leah and I have planned next and now, a year in the making, we’re set to travel to Thailand.

In January, we’ll spend 16 days in Ao Nang on the coast of the Andaman Sea in southern Thailand, some 400 miles south of Bangkok and less than 200 miles north of Malaysia.

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Hail to the Chief

inauguration_crowd-used-10-25-16

Who will take center stage on Jan. 20, 2017? It’s an important question, but more crucial is our determination to work within the system and not overreact because we do not favor our next president.

Some 350 hours from this posting, people across the United States will complete the process of casting ballots in thousands of different political races. Thousands … but there’s only one we’ve all been talking about and focusing on.

It is important who we choose as president, but probably not quite as crucial as we seem to want it to be.

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Get evaluating

Steve walking the Labyrinth at the St. Therese Shrine

Me pondering the Merciful Love Labyrinth at the Shrine of St. Therese outside Juneau, Alaska, in the summer of 2010.

It’s not like me to plan in advance what to post on this page, but, for some reason, I noticed tomorrow, Oct. 19, is Evaluate Your Life Day.

Whoa! Evaluate your life? That’s a bit more intense than today’s National Chocolate Cupcake Day. It might require a head start to get prepared.

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Trolling memories

margiekovar-and-mikegibson

Leah came across something that caused her to reminisce about troll dolls, the wee marvels of marketing that go back to the 1960s. You know them, they’re usually just a couple of inches tall, made of plastic and have long, colorful hair that sticks straight up.

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More emperor of Earth

Super Moon 8-10-14 002

Here are some additional items on my to-do list once I’ve been affirmed as emperor of Earth.

I’ve also added them to the original post of March 13, 2016, so instead of reading these here, you can read all of them by clicking this link.

And if anyone questions your reading this at work, tell them your future emperor requested it.

Empty, then load

If I were emperor of Earth, everyone will be drilled on the proper way to use an elevator. That is, you press the button and step to the side to wait. When the door opens, instead of rushing in, you wait for anyone already inside to depart first. There may also be some instruction on proper eye contact.

No cutting

If I were emperor of Earth, cutting in line would be grounds for ejection from the planet without a refund.

Common courtesy

If I were emperor of Earth, when driving on a two-lane road with a good shoulder, slower traffic would be required to pull onto the shoulder to allow faster traffic to pass. Additionally, passing drivers would be required to give a friendly hand wave or to flash hazard lights to say “thank you.”

Learn what it is

If I were emperor of Earth, one must have medical orders to request gluten-free foods.

Drop it

If I were emperor of Earth, there would be a hefty tax every time someone writes the plural of his or her family name by adding an apostrophe before or after the S. That’s not what the apostrophe is for.

Bloodline

If I were emperor of Earth, one may refer to pets as children and to herself as Mommy to the pets, but I will require the acquisition of adoption papers.

Hygiene

If I were emperor of Earth, I would require public rest rooms be equipped with alarms. In the event someone uses the rest room and leaves without washing his or her hands, an embarrassing alert will sound.

Trump won’t quit

donald-trump-pr-photo

Donald Trump has his campaign right where he wants it.

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Pick an expedition

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Here’s a special notice of something happening off the feed.

I’ve set up a new tab above labeled Expeditions. Here, I intend to gather information about some of the amazing trips and experiences we’ve been able to enjoy. More importantly, it will serve as a central site for future adventures.

Three are posted so far. Just today, to mark the 10th anniversary of my arrival in Antarctica, I put up my journal and a collection of photos from my four months on the Ice.

As always, I covet your comments and encourage you to share that which you think your friends will enjoy.

Daily special

burger-graphicToday’s feature is one of those stream of consciousness events that flowed from a restaurant going out of business through bean sprouts to what you’re about to experience.

I saw an article that the Carnegie Deli in New York City is closing at the end of the year. I maybe have heard of the restaurant, maybe not, but the article mentioned that it’s known for its pastrami-and-corned beef “Woody Allen” sandwich.

That got me thinking about the sandwiches we hear of that are named after people. That got me to thinking about a sandwich that would bear your name. Hmm, what would it be like?

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Do the math

seconds-in-a-yearPick something that’s a commonly accepted part of everyday life today that did not exist at some point in your memory.

Got it? An easy one would be the Internet. Even my daughter can claim that. Personal computers go back a little further. Refinements in medicine. Communication. You get the idea.

I’m going with calculators.

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Take a break

interstate-highway-mapWe’ve almost completed our drive back to our winter home in central Texas after working this summer in western New York and we are so thankful for the Interstate Highway System.

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Pssst, hey there, buddy

Wet money 8-27-16“You, yeah, you. Wanna get in on the ground floor of something new? Oh, yeah, it’s perfectly legal. Of course I’m sure.

“Yep, it takes a little money, but there’s no risk. I guarantee it because you’re giving it away. What’s there to understand? You’re not betting on a scheme; you’re giving away money to support an artist.

“Sure, you get something back. You get more art. And a warm, fuzzy feeling. What’s not to like?”

Yes, I just used a make-believe character to make a major announcement. Why? Because the real me cannot believe that real people like you would actually contribute hard-earned money to subsidize the writing I do online and in my books.

But I’ve been assured such people exist. Therefore, my shady friend would like to announce that there now exists an online site where fans of my writing can become a patron.

You will find details at https://www.patreon.com/stevemartaindale, along with a video where I explain what’s going on. Yes, a video. Yes, with me in it. Shocking, I know.

In an extremely small nutshell, patrons can contribute anything from $1 a month on up. Also, being a patron earns one special privileges. If you’re interested, check out the page.

See you down the road

125We’re about halfway done pulling our RV back to our winter home in Central Texas and, at times, that reality gives me pause. It happened today at an Interstate rest stop in Illinois.

Upon returning to the truck, I let Leah into her seat and then circled back to eyeball the RV as I headed to my side. As I walked by the RV – all folded in and compact-looking – I thought, “This is our home, all of it, right in this little box.”

We’re in our fifth year of living fulltime in a 31-foot fifth-wheel RV. Earlier today, Leah commented that she’s continually seeing that we need even less “stuff” in our lives. It’s something we spent years working toward.

But I’m not really talking so much about minimalism here as life on the road.

Toward the end of our drive today, we encountered a traffic backup of more than a mile. After gradually working our way to the source of the problem, we found one of those nice, big motor homes with a blown out front tire. A massive tow truck was hooking up to it because the front end was rather torn up.

We can imagine the feeling. Most everything you own is riding in that RV and now it’s being towed to a shop. Your food is going to the storage yard. Your bed is being locked up. All because of a blown tire.

That being said … we still love it and don’t see an end to it anytime soon.

However, it’s certainly not for everybody. What we do would drive a lot of people crazy. Some folks think we’re crazy.

And maybe that has some little something to do with why we like it.

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